Kinky La Rue

After my ungodly early morning booking of 9am this morning (he turned out to be a lovely chap so I didn’t mind so much) I stopped at Boots to replenish my condom stash as I had run out.

As luck would have it, they were doing a two for one on packs of either 12 or 18. So I picked up two boxes with a Durex Play lubricant and headed on over to the checkout.

“Did you know that if you buy one Durex Play you get the 2nd one half price?” said the sales assistant. “Really?” I said in a high-pitched voice, which, I have no idea where it came from. I think I was just pleased at grabbing a couple of work-related bargains.

I ran back to the shelf and picked up another lube. The lady standing behind me must’ve thought, what the heck, exactly how much sex does this woman have exactly?

I don’t care. I stopped feeling any embarrasment in buying condoms over the counter a very long time ago. And in this case a bargain’s a bargain. No room for blushes here.

…but I’ve taken a booking for tomorrow morning at 9am!! Somebody tell me what possessed me please.

Anyway, if anybody’s an early bird and would like a booking tomorrow morning at say, 10.30 (even if it’s short and sweet), please feel free to give me a call. But it’s got to be before my first booking starts at 9am. Otherwise it’s back home to do some more studying.

Come see the 8th Wonder of the World. Hee hee hee!

This past Sunday I broke my no bookings on a Sunday rule and I made an exception for an old customer whom I hadn’t seen for about a year and a half. And I’m glad I did. Don’t ask me why but the words “yum-yum” sprang to mind when I opened the door to him. I think I’d forgotten just how gorgeous he was.

My training for my voluntary job is going very well. I feel like I’ve especially had a good couple of days. Mind you, I’ve not long come in from the job and I’ve been given more homework, to be completed by next Tuesday. So I’ve been cursing a few soft epithets. I think I’m just faffing about on here before I get down to doing some of it. You know, procrastinating.

And yesterday afternoon I went to an Open University open day at Croydon Library. I spoke to an advisor who was very helpful and put some new ideas into my head concerning my course. Although their website is user friendly and manoeuverable, it can be quite frustrating to a newbie. The advisor showed me one of the books that I’d have to read. I think I pee’d myself a little. I swear it was as thick as a step. I coulda done aerobics on it.

I picked up some more prospectuses (is that a word? prospecti?) so I can take my time and have a read of exactly what’s on offer within the degree I want to do.

Looks like I’ve got a lot of reading to do this week.

I’ve been meaning to write this for a few days now, but what with the volunteer stuff and whatnot, it’s been a busy few days.

It’s about a phone call I received this past Sunday evening. It was from a guy wanting to make a booking for today. Although his responses where a little staccato and mono-syllabilic, the conversation was going okay until I asked the gent if he had any special requirements, i.e. services, dress, that kind of thing.

He said without preamble, “I’d like to bang you up the arse if that’s okay with you.” After my fit of coughing from choking on my hot chocolate I asked him to repeat himself to make sure I hadn’t misheard him. He repeated, “I’d like to bang you up the arse.” I thought he was taking the mickey so I just hung up, speechless.

The gentleman then tried to call back, which I didn’t answer. He then text me, apologising if he’d offended me. Fair dos I thought. As he made the effort to apologise I’ll respond to his text. He said it had said on my site that I did anal. As I wrote the text on the site myself and as it’s a service I’ve never offered, I know that was a porkie pie (that’s rhyming slang for lie, if you’re not in the UK) and told him so. There’s no mention of it on my site and no mention in any of my reviews. He said that because it said “all services are inclusive of price” on my rates page he took that to mean that  anal was a service I provided. No, I says, it just means that there are no hidden extras.

He did try to change my mind and repeatedly asked me to see him, which I declined. I just know that I’d feel very uncomfortable seeing a gentleman who thinks it’s okay to speak to me in that way on the phone, simply because of the job I do. I felt it didn’t show me much respect, which, I imagine would be reflected in the booking itself.

I have had some men try and engage me in dirty talk over the phone when making a booking. Because of the job I go along with it. I guess it’s assumed I’m in sex mode 24 hours a day and I have nothing else on my mind, so I try not to shatter any illusions. And it’s harmless enough.

But being told by somebody in their first conversation to me that they’d like to “bang me up ther arse” was pushing it too far for me and those who know me know I’m no prude. It’s just rather a primitive and unattractive way to ask and it caught me off guard. I would’ve responded differently had he just plainly asked “do you do anal?” which is a common enough question I’m asked from time to time. I would’ve said no and we could’ve moved on, or hung up the phone.

I could just feel my arse immediately clench after our conversation. Even if it was a service I offered, I still wouldn’t have been too keen on the way I was asked. I mean c’mon, is that the way to ask for a service? Really?

The same night I changed the wording on my rates page to omit the word “all”, and to include “no hidden extras”. This way I’m hoping it’s not too much open to misinterpretation. At the end of the day, I can’t help what people think.

And I’m hoping that next time the gent in question calls an escort to make a booking or ask about services, he’ll engage in a little etiquette first.

And I still haven’t unclenched yet.

Because there are some odd things happening in the news these past few days.

Earlier on in the week I read about the person who was fired from their job at McDonald’s somewhere in Holland, for giving their colleague an extra slice of cheese in their hamburger. Thank god the courts saw sense.

Then this morning I read about the driver in Scotland who was given a £60 fine, for blowing his nose in his car, while it was at a standstill. The copper who issued the ticket had previously ticketed somebody else for littering, because they dropped a tenner. Anally retentive or what?

Or what about the shopper who’s now banned from Tesco’s in Wales because she wore her pajamas to the store to pick up some cigarettes? I have to admit that although I haven’t worn pjs as such, I have worn to Tesco’s a tatty old pair of sweatpants that I wear at bedtime. Because they look like old sweatpants, nobody bats an eyelid. Saying that, I have popped into my local Tesco’s wearing my slippers, just because I couldn’t be arsed to change into my shoes. Admittedly they were weren’t of the fluffy variety, they’re the suede man slippers that I bought in Marks and Spencer’s years ago.

Some people need to lighten up just a touch.

I think I may go ahead and start it a bit earlier than anticipated.

I’ve taken another look at the Open University website, obviously reading more about the Criminology degree that I want to do and there’s an Openings course on “Understanding Society”, which is kind of a segue into the more fully-fledged course I’m going to start in October. It’s a short course for those (like me) who haven’t written an essay in some time. In my case over 20yrs (eep!) so I reckon it’s a good idea to start right from the beginning. And it does count towards the degree.

It starts in June, which is good timing, as I can register for it when I get back from New York in April.

Wish me luck.

One thing I have been meaning to mention for some time is a not so cool experience I had with a travel website over the holidays.

Recently I booked two tickets to go to New York at Easter. This isn’t for work, it’s purely pleasure. I reckon what with my degree coming up later this year, this’ll be my last chance to be going anywhere for a while, so I’m making this trip a good ‘un.

But I digress. I had finally booked the flights via Expedia, but I did have an unpleasant experience with Netflights.com. You know that old adage, if it’s too good to be true, it usually is? Not that their prices were brilliantly low in comparison to other sites, but there was a few quid difference to make me think I was getting a bit of a bargain.

There was a bit of a sale going on with flights these past few weeks and Netflights were selling Virgin Atlantic tickets for around £300. Virgin’s own site were selling the same tickets, same flight times, for around £340. Bargain I thought, so I tried to book the two seats. When I put in my credit card details a message popped up telling me I had to call Netflights direct. Bit strange I thought. I knew it wasn’t the card. So I called them. Which wasn’t cheap I might add. Not only is it not a local number, I was kept waiting for a good 20mins.

When I finally got through, guess what they told me? That these flights didn’t exist but they’re happy to sell me more expensive flights. It was all I could do to refrain from chucking a few expletives down the phone at them. What a waste of time and my money. What ticked me off was that they had my credit card details. So the next thing I did when I got off the phone with Netflights was to call my credit card company and warn them of any transactions coming from this website.

And this isn’t a fly-by-night website. I like to think I know what I’m doing when it comes to checking out and using sites. Netflights aren’t only ABTA and ATOL bonded, they’re a subsidiary of Thomas Cook. If you’re not in the UK, Thomas Cook is a travel company that’s been in business for over a hundred years. Indeed, Thomas Cook (the bloke the company’s named after) was the inventor of the package holiday here. Not to mention at the bottom of their main page, they have all sorts of travel awards they supposedly won.

Anyway, I’m not going to tell you not to use Netflights.com, but I will suggest that you use them with caution. You may have even used them already and had no problems.  As I said before, I finally found flights with Continental Airlines via Expedia and they were a pleasure to deal with. And here’s a tip when using Expedia, if you can’t find your flights or hotel dates on their website, it’s worth giving them a call. I got the exact times I wanted for our itinerary which wasn’t on their site. It seems their computers are updated quicker than their website.

Looking at the calendar to my right, it’s been well over a week since my last entry. My apologies. What with the training for the voluntary job and trying to fit everything else in to the rest of the week, including work, the week has somehow gotten past me.

I had also made a promise to myself to not spend so much time at the computer or watching telly. The past few weeks my reading has suffered. I’ve only been reading on the trains when going to work and that’s not good. Books that usually take a matter of days for me to finish have taken weeks. That has to change. And also, with the training with the voluntary job, you do actually get homework and are given quite a bit of reading material. Which is obviously good. But with all these changes I have neglected to keep my blog up to date, for which I apologise. There was an incident last week that I wanted to blog about but as I said, the time just got away from me. I may still do yet. I have quite a few things going around in my head, which I’d love to put down on “paper”.

I thought I might let you know that I started training for my volunteer job this past Monday and I’m happy with the way things are going (well, apart from actually getting homework!!)

Which means from now on I’ll no longer be working on Mondays and Tuesdays, or for that matter, Sundays. That’s just solely my choice. But at least I’ll still be available from Wednesdays to Saturdays.

I’m not sure what will happen later on in the year once I start my degree. I’ll play things by ear. I will have to keep doing this for now though. Paying for the degree won’t be cheap. Maybe I should have a wish list asking for gift vouchers for the courses I wish to take,lol. They have those at the Open University. But as of this moment, I’m very much part-time now. I’ll change the text on my website to reflect the new changes, so there’ll be no excuses for gents to call me asking for a booking on either a Monday or Tuesday. What d’ya reckon I still will,lol.

The past couple of days phone calls has made me reminiscent about this song, sung by Karyn White sometime back in the 90s.

On Friday night at around 7.30 I received a phone call asking for an outcall to Ilford in Essex. For those unfamiliar with London and its geography, it’s a fair distance. I live in South London and Essex is all the way across town, past East London. It’s basically on the border of Essex county. Not Central London anymore.

Last night at approx. the same time, I received another request for an outcall to come to Hertfordshire. Hertfordshire?!  This is even further than Essex, just going in another direction. It’s what we townies consider the countryside.

Now I know because of this freezing weather we’re suffering it seems like a great idea to have some rumpy pumpy in the warmth of your own surroundings. But calling me last minute, without any regard as to how I’d get to yours in freezing temperature, ice and snow, really is a tad thoughtless. Then imagine me trying to get back home in the wee hours of the night. It doesn’t even bear thinking about.

I have had to chuckle at these phone calls. I’m thinking to myself, how do these gents expect me to get to their houses, in this weather, at such short notice?? I know, I’ll do that twirly thing that Wonderwoman (yes I know, a different superhero to Superwoman but you get the picture) does. She goes from Diana Prince to Wonderwoman in a blink of an eye. I could go from homebody to Kinky Brandy in the blink of an eye too; thongs, sussies and basque just like that. And what for travel? Pfft, forget the icy roads my car would skid about in. Forget the long train journey hampered by the snow and ice. I know! I’ll use my Invisible Jet. I’ll be there in two shakes of my truth lasso.

Gentlemen, c’mon! If you’ve been experiencing difficulties in getting in to work this week, do you think I’d fare much better? And at such short notice? I know it’s not exactly a romantic picture, but believe me, with this weather, I’m curled up either on the sofa or in my bed in my warmest pee-jays wearing double socks which can just about feel the warmth from the hot water bottle my feet are resting on. In other words, I’m just as human as you.

That’s not to say that if I had an advanced booking I’d have done my damndest to get there. I would’ve and have done. I can feel my toes wincing now at the memories of some of the outcalls I’ve made to the Greater London area, standing on freezing cold train platforms. But c’mon gents, as gorgeous and as wonderful as I am, I’m not Superwoman, or indeed Wonderwoman. Even if I have performed some amazing feats in the bedroom.