Kinky La Rue

If your sense of humour is anything like mine, you’ll find this show hilarious. If you have Sky or cable, it premiered on Fiver TV last weekend, a cable off-shoot of Channel Five.

It’s called Archer. It’s an adult cartoon about a spy. It’s like James Bond, only dirtier,  funnier and in 2-D. There was a scene in the first episode where he was getting a woody thinking about his mother (his boss) dead. You’d need to watch it to appreciate  that bit. If you’re in the UK you can watch the first two episodes here on Demand Five.

Hope you enjoy it.

My client and I had a laugh last night. When I went to pull off his sweater at the start of our booking it ripped, literally. I was horrified but he assured me it was okay and that it was a cheap £4 sweater from Primark. Whew!

Gentlemen, when you go to see a lady and your clothes are (figuratively) torn off in the throes of passion, please ensure that you don’t wear anything from Primark, or any other brand cheap clothing store. If nothing else how do you explain that when you get home,lol?

That’s it. She gone. After 10 or so years as one of the best (imho) escorts ever, SJ told me over the weekend that she has officially retired from escorting.

I kinda saw it coming. After she received her degree and graduated – must be nearly a couple of years ago now – she’s been moving on to bigger and better things. She still saw a few customers here and there, especially her favourites. Even when she took her website down she still saw the odd client here and there. I don’t mean odd as in weird, I mean, well, you know what I mean.

But due to a few changes in her life, she’s totally hung up the stockings and suspenders. Which reminds me, I must plunder her lingerie drawer before she discards everything. There were a few things I always had my beady eye on.

For those of you who don’t know Sarah Jane, she’s been my best friend of the past eight years, since I started in this illustrious career and I looked to her for guidance, unaware that women my size could make a living from my voluptuous and callypigian blessings. She has always been the champion and promoter of BBW escorts. The old ‘uns will remember one of her few web babies, Pretty Big Escorts, the first website ever to positively promote BBWs and our wonderful assets. It now ranks highly in Google and it’s where most gentlemen find me.

Even when she became the subject of bullying (she changed her working name on the advice of police) by some shall we say, unsavoury characters,  she still held her head up, dusted off her shoulders and got on with life. To paraphrase an old adage, she never let the bastards grind her down. Up until now I understand she’s still talked about in closed quarters. What did Oscar Wilde say? “You can’t control the evil tongues of others, but a good life enables us to disregard them”.

Not to evervesce too much about how wonderful I thought and still think she is, I just want to use my platform and wish you all the best Sarah Jane. You’ve been an inspiration to many, myself included. Because of your piddly little legs, I’ll always think of you as Mr. Krabs from that Spongebob show.

Wishing you all the best the world has to offer (not that you’re getting rid of me that easily).

I had a no-show this past Saturday. To be fair on the guy it didn’t seem intentional.

This was a (would-be) customer from Slovenia who had come to London for the first time and didn’t quite seem to realise how big or busy London is.

He’d contacted me initially back at the end of last year to let me know that he’d be coming to London either January or February and enquired about my availability.

He then contacted me again last week to say that he’d be in London  this week (last week) and if we could set up an appointment. We made a date for the Friday (19th) at 3pm, to confirm, as I always get my clients to do, in the morning by 10am.

10am came and went and the gentleman didn’t confirm. That’s okay, that’s escort life. I can now rearrange my day.

Much later on in the evening I received an email from the gentleman apologising profusely and said that he was in London first and foremost for business (which he neglected to inform me of, I thought he was here on holiday) and that the day had completely gotten away from him and this was his first chance at contacting me. He even tried to call as well just before 10pm but I missed it. I saw his email about 10.30pm and I responded to it, saying not to worry and these things happen. I mentioned that I’d be free on Saturday and to give me a call if he was still interested, which he said as much in his email.

Although it turned out he didn’t see my email the gentleman called again the next morning (Saturday) from the Science Museum, apologising profusely again and asking if there was any way that he could see me, “as my visit to London wouldn’t be complete until I do”. I had nothing booked in for the Saturday so I thought why not, and we arranged the time of 3pm.

So when the time came I got ready and went and caught the train to the flat in Victoria. Changed into my lingerie, stockings, sussies etc., put my contacts in, put on a bit of lip gloss and sat and waited for the gentleman to turn up.

At bang on 3pm I received a text telling me that he was still at Madam Tussaud’s. He had waited in line for two hours and didn’t realise it was going to be so busy. He went on to say how terribly sorry he was and that I must hate him yada yada yada. London is just too big, he said. I’m sorry for any problems I put you through.

I think I just gave a big sigh after I’d read his message. I text him back and said, “You can only say sorry once. The 2nd time means nothing.”  Then I got changed again and went home.

I understood it was the gentleman’s first time in London, so he was guilty of nothing but bad time management, trying to fit too many things in one day. Whilst I understand all this, I still felt like a bit of a doughnut sitting on the bed dressed to kill. The gent said he was here until today (Monday). The Science Museum and Madame Tussaud’s would’ve been open yesterday too.

I do hope the gentleman understands that should her ever come back to the UK this (London) bridge is well and truly burnt.

It’s been a giggle these past 24hrs, mixed in with a little bit of incredulity. Before I go off to my training this morning I thought I just had to share this with you.

I’m not sure if it’s anything to do with the new review. Whenever I get a new one, my bandwidth is stretched to its limits, traffic to my site is overflowing and my phone goes a little crazy. Especially if the review is on Punternet. It’s the most comprehensive and widely-read website to do with our industry. I don’t complain, it’s good for business.

Anyway, in the past 24hrs it seems I’ve had every condition in my book ignored by gentlemen who seem to be thinking with the wrong, ahem, organ shall we say.

Yesterday morning I switched on my phone to receive two text messages, duplicates of each other. One sent at 5.52am, then re-sent later at 8.54am. Remember this is on a Sunday morning. Later on in the day I had a missed call from that same number.

Now, it states clearly and in bold on my site, that my phone is switched on between the hours of 9am and 10pm. It also states that I don’t reply to text messages and that I don’t work on Sundays.

Okay, now bearing in mind that it also states on my site that I don’t do short notice bookings and again, my phone is only switched on between 9am and 10pm, this morning I’ve just switched my phone back on, to a voicemail left for me at nearly midnight last night, from a gentleman, who lives in Streatham near Nando’s (no, I don’t know where that is either), wanting to see me in the next half an hour. No, he says, make that the next 15mins. It’s the best laugh I’ve had all weekend. He then goes on to say, “even if I don’t catch up with you tonight, I’ll make sure I will do at some point soon”. Ha, not if you keep calling at silly o’clock matey. I think out of the two phone calls, this one left me the most gob-smacked. I’m still laughing as I’m typing now.

I think what it is is that we’re not seen as human by some gentlemen. We don’t have families, we don’t sleep and we can get to your place in 15mins or less regardless of where we live, especially if you’re in Streatham near Nando’s.

I need to find my Wonderwoman outfit and get my invisible jet out of the garage. That’ll do the trick. But in the meantime, I’m off to training. And to the two gents, thank you for the giggles this weekend. And I’m not a giggly type of person. Ahhh, the perils of this industry.

Have a wonderful day and a wonderful week. Mwah!

In a previous entry I briefly mentioned how I gave up my Sunday last weekend for an old customer whom I hadn’t seen in well over a year.

Well, he was kind enough to write a review on Punternet of our time together. What lovely kind words. Blush blush blush,lol.

Thanks “Kareem”. I’ll give up a Sunday for you anytime. Or any longtime customer for that matter.

I just wanted to mark the occassion, in my own way, of 20 years since the release of Nelson Mandela. I still remember the day.

91 years young and still sharp as a tack.

After my ungodly early morning booking of 9am this morning (he turned out to be a lovely chap so I didn’t mind so much) I stopped at Boots to replenish my condom stash as I had run out.

As luck would have it, they were doing a two for one on packs of either 12 or 18. So I picked up two boxes with a Durex Play lubricant and headed on over to the checkout.

“Did you know that if you buy one Durex Play you get the 2nd one half price?” said the sales assistant. “Really?” I said in a high-pitched voice, which, I have no idea where it came from. I think I was just pleased at grabbing a couple of work-related bargains.

I ran back to the shelf and picked up another lube. The lady standing behind me must’ve thought, what the heck, exactly how much sex does this woman have exactly?

I don’t care. I stopped feeling any embarrasment in buying condoms over the counter a very long time ago. And in this case a bargain’s a bargain. No room for blushes here.

…but I’ve taken a booking for tomorrow morning at 9am!! Somebody tell me what possessed me please.

Anyway, if anybody’s an early bird and would like a booking tomorrow morning at say, 10.30 (even if it’s short and sweet), please feel free to give me a call. But it’s got to be before my first booking starts at 9am. Otherwise it’s back home to do some more studying.

Come see the 8th Wonder of the World. Hee hee hee!

This past Sunday I broke my no bookings on a Sunday rule and I made an exception for an old customer whom I hadn’t seen for about a year and a half. And I’m glad I did. Don’t ask me why but the words “yum-yum” sprang to mind when I opened the door to him. I think I’d forgotten just how gorgeous he was.

My training for my voluntary job is going very well. I feel like I’ve especially had a good couple of days. Mind you, I’ve not long come in from the job and I’ve been given more homework, to be completed by next Tuesday. So I’ve been cursing a few soft epithets. I think I’m just faffing about on here before I get down to doing some of it. You know, procrastinating.

And yesterday afternoon I went to an Open University open day at Croydon Library. I spoke to an advisor who was very helpful and put some new ideas into my head concerning my course. Although their website is user friendly and manoeuverable, it can be quite frustrating to a newbie. The advisor showed me one of the books that I’d have to read. I think I pee’d myself a little. I swear it was as thick as a step. I coulda done aerobics on it.

I picked up some more prospectuses (is that a word? prospecti?) so I can take my time and have a read of exactly what’s on offer within the degree I want to do.

Looks like I’ve got a lot of reading to do this week.