I like this one:

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”

The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”

He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”

He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”

“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

Yesterday I had an old customer that I hadn’t seen in years. Not old as in his age, old as in he saw me way back when I used to be “Brandy”. And that was about 3yrs ago at least. It was like seeing an old friend that I met up with for an illicit afternoon of sex before he went back to work.

“Bob” (I’ll call him Bob, because of his love of motorbikes, you know, Bloke On a Bike, geddit) hadn’t changed a bit, still cuddly and gorgeous. Luckily he said I looked as gorgeous as usual. It would’ve been a bad start to the appointment had he said otherwise wouldn’t it,lol.

“Bob” and I chatted like old friends and caught up with what’s been going on in each other’s life.  He said that he read a few escorts’ blogs and he thought mine was very interesting and very well-written, and intelligent to boot. I do have my moments,lol. It meant a lot because a) it came from a long-time customer who I was fond of and b) it also meant that I’m doing this right.

It does worry me sometimes that I might sound boring or a bit self-indulgent, or even just rambling. The thing is, when you’re writing you do tend to forget that there are people out there reading what you’ve written and it would be awful if people got the wrong impression of me. So to hear from a client that he was impressed by my blog really made my day. I’m actually quite pleased with it, if I may say so.

I do notice though, that I haven’t posted any dirty jokes of late. I must rectify that immediately.

When you’ve left a booking that was particularly awesome to the point that you have a little skip in your step? And not just that, but you still smell the musky odour on you that you’ve just engaged in rampant sex and you think that little smile playing around the corner of your lips will give away exactly what you’ve been doing a half hour previously?

Yeah, well. I felt like that today. I’m always happy and pleased with myself when an appointment goes well. And when you click with that person from the beginning you just know it’s going to be good.

I admit that it may have been helped along with the fact that said client came bearing gifts, only my favourite,  chocolate-covered vanilla fudge squares from the Thornton’s cart at Victoria Stn.

I’ll be seeing you again, Brighton Boy.x

One of SJ’s longtime customers has requested his own private party next month. Get this, it’s going to be four of us ladies….and just him….for four hours. Can you imagine how knackered he’ll be the next day?? He wanted five of us, but alas one of the other ladies he requested couldn’t make it.

I’ve had the pleasure of meeting the gentleman myself before, when I used to do parties. He came to our daytime Christmas do last December. I forgot what a horny toad he was, it’s been that long. So when SJ told me last week that he’d written asking for his own private do, I wasn’t really suprised.

I’m really looking forward to it, as it’ll be with some of the ladies I partied with in December and we all got on so well. I’ve told SJ that we should suprise him with a bottle of champers and grapes and peel and feed them to him during his “down” time. Well, maybe not peel them, I don’t have the patience for that. But we’ll most certainly make sure that his time with us is decadent  and that  he’s well and truly pampered. We’ve got the room (suite) booked and it looks lovely and plush too, as it should be on this occassion. I want him going back home walking like John Wayne with a huge smile on his face and some wonderful memories.

Subject to getting his permission I’ll let you know how it goes.

…..I would love to hear from you for some advice on where to stay. Either that or anybody that has stayed in the LA area before.

My flights and hotel accommodation are already booked for my tour in April, but it’s been one of those lazy net-surfing days and I’ve found a great deal at one of the hotels in the downtown area. It costs less than where I’m already booked, and it’s half the price of booking through their own website. Without giving too much away, it’s a big, gorgeous, very posh-looking hotel in the downtown area as I say. By its surrounding description it has easy access to the freeways which I know is very important as everybody drives in Los Angeles.

I’m really really tempted to book it, it’s absolutely gawwwjuss! I thought it was beyond my budget until I found the hotel on Netflights.com. What I like most about it, apart from it looking wonderful, is that it’s massive, allowing for discretion and anonymity.  My original hotel is nowhere near as big.

My question to Los Angelians is, what is the parking like in the downtown area? Is it crap like here in Central London? Is it congested? If you were a customer would you mind coming to visit me in the downtown area?  Or do people make the sign of the cross and say a quick prayer everytime they have to tackle the Los Angeles traffic. I’ve read and heard that it can be quite a nightmare.

Should I take the special offer of the posh hotel in downtown LA, or stay nearby the LAX area where I’m already booked? Please let me know what your thoughts are.

Many thanks.xx

We tried to re-arrange our booking for today after the onslaught of the snow yesterday, but he didn’t call to confirm. I guess he got fed-up with the whole thing. It probably would’ve taken me goodness knows how long to get to Enfield anyway.  It seems to be one of those things that wasn’t meant to be.

It was nice talking to you.x

One of Friday’s customer texted me last night to rectify something I had said on my blog.

It was the second lovely gent who had asked me what his penis had tasted like.Yes, that gentleman,lol

He would like it to be known that the only reason why had studied the map on Punternet so hard was because he had studied my pictures even harder. Knowing how much he loves maps, I take that as a great compliment indeed.

The poor thing’s been stuck at Gatwick Airport from the night before because of the snow. He says he’s had time to reflect and has decided that, as lovely as my pictures are, they do me no justice.

You smoothie you.xx

….who called me on a Sunday evening for a booking? I had apologised to him on here and again when he called. Well, the saga continues.

It seems he wasn’t frightened by my sharp tongue last Sunday night. He had called later on in the week to rearrange an appointment for last Thursday. I said of course, it was the least I could do.

Now, if I’ve had the pleasure of seeing you, then you know that part of my work practice is that I ask clients to call/text me on the morning of the appointment before 10am, just to reconfirm that all is well on both sides and that we’re still on. Well, Thursday morning came and went and Enfield guy hadn’t call to confirm, even though I asked. I broke my rule and text him to see if he was still on. It’s not something I normally do, but I got the feeling this guy was genuine, especially given the fact that he bothered to call me back considering the telling-off I gave him the previous Sunday. I received no response from the text. I gave him until 11am to respond and when he didn’t I wrote the day off and made other family plans.

Then lo and behold, at ten past two in the afternoon I got a text from Enfield guy asking if I was still coming for 4pm. I text back and told him that I’d given him up for the day. He called back and we had a chat. It seems he had worked overnight, so was asleep when I texted him, which he neglected to tell me. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just drop everything and make the round trip from one end of London to the other. He accused me of not wanting to come to see him, which I found a little hurtful and a little unfair, considering it wasn’t me that didn’t call to confirm. After our conversation I text him and pointed him in the direction of my blog where I had apologised to him, in case he hadn’t seen it.

He text back and apologised and admitted he was in the wrong, he didn’t realise just far Croydon is from Enfield. So wee made plans for me to come and visit him today. And guess what? I’ve had to cancel because of the snow piling up outside. There’s no buses, at all. There are no trains at all into Victoria Stn, where I’d have to go as part of my journey to Enfield. My next door neighbour popped out to pick up some food supplies from Tesco’s and told  me when he got back that there were no newspapers because there were no delivery vans as of this morning and that there’s actually a train sitting at our local train station and couldn’t move. Schools everywhere are closed.  The South-East of England has been brought to a stand-still with the “worst snow storm for 18yrs”. And according to the weather forecast, it’s supposed to get worse again this evening, during rush hour.

Enfield guy stuck to his word and text me this morning to confirm. Methinks he’d been sleeping all this time and hadn’t stuck his head out the window, or switched on the telly for the news. He’s now probably thinking that I really don’t want to come. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth. He sounds lovely on the phone, and if nothing else, I want to meet the person who wasn’t put off by my acerbic manner on the phone.

We’ve rearranged our appointment for tomorrow at 5pm. Third time lucky perhaps? Stay tuned.